How to Get a Hold of Yourself When You Start Losing It

Someone cuts you off in traffic and an expletive (or two) slips out.

You have a presentation, and you feel like you are going to throw up you are so nervous.

You've asked your kids to pick up their stuff 5 times, and there it still sits, and you ask them to pick it up a lot louder and angrier than you intended.

Or, maybe you are just in a general funk lately, angry, irritable, or maybe just a little sad.

So how do you pull yourself out of your funk, lessen the anxiety you feel in given situation, not snap or make sarcastic remarks to your loved ones as you are unloading the dishwasher yet AGAIN, and refrain from teaching your children new words in the car? I have two techniques for you.

1. Use Your Words 

Yes, the advice given to toddlers every where will also work on adults. Let me explain how.

Lisa Feldman Barrett a neuroscientist at Northeastern University (after decades of research) believes our brain's primary job is to keep you alive (not to regulate your emotional responses), and it does that through predictions. Then those predictions become our feelings or emotions and the emotions we perceive in others. You can influence these predictions and  therefore regulate your emotional reactions through reframing and using your words.  Here is how:

"Name That Emotion"

If we can more precisely name the emotion we are feeling, then we are better able to choose an appropriate response or choose not to respond at all. I bet we all can think of a circumstance when we wish we would have not responded.

Say you come home in a really bad mood, snap at your kids, your spouse, and one of them asks you why are you so angry, and you respond angrily, "I'm just in a bad mood."

Now if you play "Name That Emotion" and start to really identify and then name what you are feeling, you can help dispel the funk holding you hostage, and pick a more appropriate reaction. Here is an example:

Say you are in a bad mood because you had to give a last minute presentation for your co-worker who was out of the office (again), and it didn't go well because you didn't have time to prepare, and our boss's boss was in the audience, so now you are afraid that you look like an idiot. 

So instead of saying "I'm in a bad mood", which is a hugely simplistic version of what you are feeling, you identify and name those emotions and their cause. I'm irritated and angry that my co-worker was out again, and I had to pick up the slack. I am hurt that my manager asked me to do it, and I feel like I am being taken for granted.  I am mortified and ashamed that the new Director thinks that presentation is my best work, and all I want to do is crawl under my covers and not come out for a long long time.

So imagine saying those words instead of snapping at your loved ones. You have identified what you feel, and you know it's not your kids or your spouse, and now you can choose a more appropriate response with the right people (your boss and co-worker) if you choose to do so. I'm also guessing you are going to get a much needed hug from someone who loves you which is always better than the post yelling guilt feeling.

You can even do this after the blow up. 

I've snapped at my kids to go to bed after a long day. (When I say "snapped" I might mean yell like a crazed banshee.)  Then (during post yell guilt) I name that emotion..."I am so tired and done with this day, and I need time to myself now to see if I can salvage my sanity." Then I go and tuck them in, apologize for yelling like a crazed banshee (which gets them laughing, a bonus side effect of creatively using your words) and say, I'm really tired and done with this day, and I need you to go to bed now.

Learn New Words

Don't just use your words, learn new words. The more precisely you can name that emotion the better for your health, and I am going to go out on a limb here and say the better for your relationships.

Studies have shown that people who exhibit higher emotional granularity go to the doctor less, use less medication, spend fewer days hospitalized, are less likely to drink excessively when stressed (probably eat less when stressed too, but I can't point to a study on that), and are less likely to react aggressively against someone who has hurt them. 

Lessen Anxiety

Using your words doesn't just help with anger, but all emotions, even the good ones, and can help lessen anxiety. 

There was a study done with people who were terrified of spiders. In treating phobias, there are two popular techniques. One, describe the spider in a non-threatening way, and the second is distraction. The study introduced, "name that emotion" as a third treatment (they didn't call it that because that is very scientific-y), and told the participants to call it like it is in excruciating and granular detail. "There is a horrendous, ugly, terrifying, spider in front of me, and I can feel it's creepy little legs practically crawling over my skin, yet I am oddly fascinated by it (from a great distance)." 

Those in the third group was the least anxious in observing the spiders, and the effect lasted a week beyond the experiment.

You can also invent your own emotional concepts, 

Use concepts when just one word won't do, like I did with the crazed banshee description, or describing a good feeling as "Like finding a $20 in your pocket". 

My son invented his own curse words a a substitute for the new words describing anger and frustration he may or may not have learned in the car. When he got frustrated and upset he said, "Ploopy". We all started saying ploopy, and you know what? It is impossible to be really mad when saying "ploopy" and you are not going to get a call from a teacher for that word being used. Speaking of kids...

Helping kids identify their feelings will not only give them the same benefits listed above as adults, but it will also help them (and you) right now.

I have found nothing calms a tantrum or a bad mood faster than getting down eye level with a kid, and helping them name what they are really upset about it.  You aren't solving their problem for them, rather you are giving them the gift of learning how to deal with their emotions and solve their own problems. 

When my son is hurt he responds with anger. When my daughter is hurt, angry, etc., she cries. Helping them identify and name the emotions they are feeling helps them choose a better response (One that doesn't involve hitting a sibling because you are really hurt that they won't play with you right now. Hypothetically speaking of course.)

Also, studies have shown that children who read a lot have higher emotional intelligence and can empathize better than children who don't read a lot, especially books with emotionally complex characters who are not all "good" or all "bad"). Learning empathy and learning new words is a win win.

In Summary: 

An emotionally intelligent person has lots of words and concepts AND also knows which ones to use and when.  

So next time you feel your body/brain reacting ask yourself what really concerns you about the situation? What are you really reacting to? Are you really angry or are you hurt? Are you really mad at the person who didn't return your call or do you feel rejected? This will allow you to choose the most appropriate response for that situation.

2. Reframing

Reframing or recategorizing is a useful tool. I call it the

"What else could be true?" Game.

My husband's commute is horrible, and he often finds himself sitting in traffic because of an accident. He used to get really agitated and worked up, but now he tells himself there is someone up ahead of him who is definitely having a worse day than he is. As an added bonus for me, this reframing means that I don't also have to be tortured with a play by play of the commute from hell. 

I do the same when someone cuts me off or is racing through traffic. I say maybe they aren't a self-entitled jerk. Maybe they are rushing a loved one to the emergency room or rushing to get to a loved one in the hospital. Morbid and depressing? Probably, but it erases (most) of my irritation, and doesn't ruin my day. 

When you are feeling butterflies and other signs of anxiety you can tell yourself that your physical feelings are signs that what you are about to do will be a disaster doomed to failure, or you can say, "hey, this is my body feeling excited and getting ready to do something. A normal bodily function."  

Your brain and body don't assign the concept of emotion to a physical sensation. You do with your words.

Before a horse show or a Tae Kwon Do test, I ask my kids if they are nervous (name the emotion). Usually the answer is yes. Then I say, good, that is your body getting excited to do what it has been trained to do. So now, they recognize that their body isn't trying to betray them, but getting them ready to do great things. 

When you perceive someone has slighted you in some way, and you feel angry, hurt, rejected, etc., you can play "What Else Is True" and make sure one of the stories include a re-categorization of it's "not about me". 

They may not have seen you wave at them because they were worried about their sick aunt. They may not have answered your text for a hundred different reasons that have nothing to do with you. They may have turned down your invite to something because they suffer from social anxiety themselves. Maybe they really are jerks, but again, you don't cause them to be a jerk (despite what they may claim). They are jerks because of something they are dealing with or not dealing with. People carry their own baggage with them just like you do

Bottom Line: You can get all worked up by your assumed story, or you can make up a different one that makes it not about you.

It ain't easy and It Takes Practice

As a pessimist/realist I struggle with this almost daily. Like, what really are the odds that jerk who cut me off was rushing the emergency room? Probably not likely, but it could happen, so I'll make a decision to choose to believe he or she is doing just that, and let it go as I happily go about my day versus my more "realistic" version of events that leaves me pissed off for a while afterwards.

Am I perfect at it? Far, far from it (PMS weeks are definitely harder), but I keep at it because when I do it, it works. One day, I will be walking around in peaceful, zen-like bliss, I have no doubt.

It can also be fun, especially with your kids. Be creative, use words from different cultures and languages. Teach them about ASSuming. Make up your own emotional concepts, and watch your negative emotions evaporate or at least lessen their grip on you.

So this week try it for yourself. 1)Name that emotion and 2) Reframe and see how it works for you.

If you want to learn more Lisa Feldman Barrett wrote: How Emotions Are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain 

You might also like: How to Get Your Husband to Empty the Dishwasher and Other Secrets to Life

Why We Should Talk About Suicide as an Illness (even if you don't totally buy it.)

What got me really thinking about this was a FB comment I read while reading about Anthony Bourdain's suicide.  The comment went like this, "It was a terribly selfish act and I don't feel sorry for him, but I do for his poor kid. How can someone be so selfish?" This was followed by a long string of comments debating whether the act of suicide is a selfish choice or a mental illness and therefore not really a choice. Then of course there was Val Kilmer's rant on the matter.

After reading through these comments, which wasn't the first time I've been privy to this debate, I came to the conclusion that my opinion or yours on the selfishness of the person committing suicide or whether or not it is selfish doesn't matter.

It. Doesn't. Matter.

It doesn't matter whether or not you or I think it is selfish. Our opinion on the selfishness of the act itself doesn't do a damned thing to prevent another needless death. It doesn't comfort the family and friends left behind. It doesn't in any way, shape or form help. Anyone.

What it does do is allow us to rationalize why this disease doesn't or won't effect us, and gives us a false sense of security and control. It allows us to go on believing (or hoping) this will ever effect us.

Even if you truly believe this to be true, you should keep it to yourself because should the unthinkable occur and a loved one or someone you know is entertaining thoughts of suicide your stated beliefs or values may keep those you love most dearly from coming to you (or anyone) for help.

I know it doesn't seem like our children listen to us or hold much stock in our opinions, but they do believe it or not. They are listening to what we say and what we do all the time.  Don't underestimate a young child with big ears and insatiable curiosity listening to you discuss this with another adult. They hear and more importantly they remember your words, and the judgment you inject into those words, and that stays with them all the way to their vulnerable tween and teen years.

So when you say, "It's an act of selfishness." With this simple statement you are implying weakness of character in an individual, and your opinion is what your child or loved one hears, feels and holds in their heart. 

So, let's say you are right. It is a selfish act committed by a selfish individual. What if your teen with their underdeveloped brain enabling them to make stupid and rash decisions coupled with their large capacity for melodramatics starts thinking about suicide?

You are going to be the last person they come to for help. Even if they pretend they don't care what you think, we are always hustling for Mom and Dad's approval, so they would rather die (quite literally) than disappoint you or be criticized or judged or labeled as one of "those people".

I don't know about you, but I would rather forgo being right and stand a chance of saving my kid.

However, our teens aren't the only ones at risk. Middle age men are one of the most common victims of this disease. Besides the string of celebrities that make the news (Chester Bennington, Anthony Bourdain, Robin Williams) "regular" people also are victims of suicide.  Both my husband and I have had a middle aged colleague commit suicide, and I have had a family member commit suicide. We both worked in the corporate world, not with "temperamental artists" (for those who think this only strikes the creative types).

What are the odds of your child or a loved one ever thinking about suicide? Very likely. And, you will be the last one to know if you don't pull your head out of the sand.

Suicide is now ranked #10 for cause of death. That is one death every 12 minutes.

- It is the 2nd leading cause of death for people ages 10-34.
- It is the 4th leading cause of death for people ages 35-54
- It is the 8th leading cause of death for people ages 55-64.

The number of suicide rates have increased in every state over the past 2 decades. Some states have seen rates rise over 30% in that time.

Accidents are # 4 and no doubt some of these "accidents" are suicides as well.

Warning Signs

Even if you think you really know your loved one and know they aren't depressed or suffering from a mental illness, so none of this applies to you or anyone you know, you might want to check this out.

54% of those committing suicide didn't have a previously known (i.e. diagnosed) mental illness. They had relationship problems, physical health problems, recent unanticipated crisis, job or financial problems, and/or substance misuse problems. I think we have all know someone who has had one of these very common issues. 

However, suicide is complex. There are almost always multiple causes, including psychiatric illnesses, that may not have been recognized or treated.  Research findings have shown that mental disorders and substance abuse has been found in 90% of people who have died by suicide, so it is rarely that single event.  We might blame one thing, but that is overly simplistic. 

Also, people are very good at hiding pain from loved ones, so you might not know a loved one is suffering (silently and alone).  This is why you should start talking about mental illness as an illness and not a character flaw because you never know from what place the listener is coming from (or for that matter who is listening).  

How you talk about it all the time makes it safe to talk about. Being made to feel like a loser never helped anyone. So be a safe person to talk to by keeping your character evaluation to yourself because if it's safe to talk about to you, you might get a heads up. And this is important because.....

These illnesses are treatable.  If we talk about mental illness as an illness not the fault of the person, then we create a safe space for them to treat a problem they have instead of thinking they are the problem. See the difference? 

Most, but not all, people who die by suicide exhibit warning signs which include (but aren't limited to):

• Talking about wanting to die
• Looking for a way to kill oneself
• Talking about feeling hopeless or having no purpose
• Talking about feeling trapped or in unbearable pain (fyi depression can cause real physical pain)
• Talking about being a burden to others
• Increasing the use of alcohol or drugs
• Acting anxious, agitated or recklessly
• Sleeping too little or too much
• Withdrawing or feeling isolated
• Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge
• Displaying extreme mood swings

The more of these signs a person shows, the greater the risk. Warning signs are associated with suicide, but may not be what causes a suicide

So What Can You Do? What are the Risk Factors?

According to the CDC (Center for Disease Control) one thing you can do is reduce factors that increase risk and increase factors that promote resilience. 

Resilience is a skill that has to be practiced and often, and you should start to help your child develop it as soon as possible. Resilience is the ability to bounce back. It is the development of toughness and grit and protects from victim mentality and getting stuck in defeat. Strong problem solving skills and resilience go hand in hand. Those with it not only survive, they thrive. Those most successful in life have resilience or grit.

Here is a review on an awesome book with tools, How to Ensure Your Child's Success in Life. It has real life practice and examples to help your kids develop this life changing skill, and I couldn't love it more. However, you can also google the term "resilience", watch a TED Talk, read a different book, anything, but start helping you kids learn how to solve their problems in a healthy way (it will work for adults too).

However, I encourage you to not get stuck in research mode and immediately put some of these tools in action even if you are imperfect at it. One of the fastest ways to do this is to stop solving your kids' problems. Right now while they are small practice problems. Before they get to be big adult problems that you may not be around to solve. (Stop intervening in arguments with friends, stop bringing their homework or lunch to school, start asking them how they are going to solve their challenge, e.g. "How are you going to bring up this spelling grade? What are you going to do differently?") Ask them first how they would do it before telling.

This is just one thing you can do to help prevent, but it isn't the only factor. A sense of connectedness (like real connectedness, not social media connectedness) to loved ones and community also go a long way.

Here are more risk factors and protective factors:

What to Do If Someone Exhibits Warning Signs of Suicide

• Do not leave the person alone
• Remove any firearms, alcohol (i.e. liquid courage), drugs or sharp objects that could be used in a suicide attempt. 
• This is't an anti-gun argument. Most people who commit suicide don't take a long time to carry out their decision once the decision has been made. They don't want to take the time to think about it because they may change their mind, so making it more inconvenient is better. Granted, this does not mean that they won't find another way, but you are buying time to intervene here, and easy access to a gun is not buying you time.
• Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK
• Take the person to an emergency room or seek help from a medical or mental health professional.
• Ask them directly, "Are you thinking about killing yourself?" 
• BeThe1To has 5 action steps you can use to help someone in crisis. What they are, how to use them and Why they work can be found here: http://www.bethe1to.com/bethe1to-steps-evidence/

The CDC has a ton of information and resources or if you want to take a deeper dive on the research, take a look on the website. This link is a good starting point. https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/

The Suicide Prevention Lifeline in addition to having great information and resources also has a section on how you can help someone who may be contemplating suicide.  https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/help-someone-else/

Also, did you know many social media outlets like Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat and YouTube offer ways to report threats of suicide or self-harm? You can find a link to report your concerns directly to those media outlets, here: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/help-someone-else/

So let's suspend judgement or at the very least keep it to yourself. Someone's life may depend on it.

Please know that if you lose someone to this disease, it is not your fault. There is support and help for you too. Resources for Suicide Loss Survivors

4 Things I Want to Accomplish Before I Die

I have been struggling to land on some meaningful goals for this year.  Not typically a problem for me as I usually have a whole list if you recall.  I have some things that I have been toying with, but nothing has felt right to me this year.  Nevertheless, I have plowed on with what I landed on - the vague search for the real meaning of happiness

That search led me to this book called "Cultivate" by Laura Casey.  In the book she compares gardening to life, and more specifically to how God works in her life.  It has some thought provoking questions in it.  This isn't one of them, but for whatever reason this is the question that kept distracting me as I read this book.

Allowance, To Give or Not to Give (And When, How and Why According to the "Experts")

I give my kids allowance, but I don't think I do it well.  Off and on, we have tried several different ways, since they were 4.  I want them to learn the value of money, how to save for what you want, and how not to spend my money on some plastic toy you picked up in the checkout line in Target that you will lose or break or forget about in a week.  Okay, I admit it, this was my only motivation in the beginning.

Guest Poster: Do You Wonder How That Special Needs Kid Affects Yours in the Classroom? (2 Minute Read)

Hey Guys,

Natasha's back with an awesome story.  I read it this morning, and I am inspired to look at my week ahead with new eyes.  I'll be looking for new opportunities to embrace my own and others' "not normal".  (You'll get it after you read it. ) 

Do You Wonder How That Special Needs Kid Affects Yours in the Classroom?

To My Fellow Moms Who Sometimes Feel Like You Are Failing.....

I caught these two kids helping each other and doing good in the world, so I sent their mom a note letting her know her kids were awesome even when no one was watching.  She sent me an email back thanking me for the note.  She said it came at a great time because she said she was having a bad day that day, and felt like she was drowning and failing at everything, "but maybe in this one area, the best area, she was doing an ok job, but I really can't take credit because my kids are somehow miracles of bravery and tenacity."

I was like, hold up, WHAT? "I'm doing an 'ok' job." "I can't take the credit..."  

This email left me a little dumbfounded because she totally strikes me as brave and tenacious, and I don't even know her that well.  How could she say "maybe" or doubt her impact on who her kids are?  Then I looked a little deeper and remembered just hours before telling my daughter's teacher that "I wish I could take credit for her behavior but she is just a really great kid."   

Why? Why do we do this?  And by "this" I mean, why do we feel responsible for every mistake that our children make, yet when they do good, when they show that they are good, we say, "Well, I wish I could take credit for that, but they are who they are."  

Who hasn't felt like they were at times drowning or failing? When we've burnt dinner, missed a deadline, forgot to get the poster board for that project that needs to be done tonight, forgot to get dog food (again).  Then your kid gives you a hug or something and you say, maybe I'm doing okay here.  I'm want you to listen to this.  You are doing better than okay.  You are rocking this mom thing.  Here is how I know.....

You say your children are BRAVE and TENACIOUS, and I will add INDEPENDENT, FORGIVING, and KIND. Well, here is how they got to be this way.


You children see that things don't always work out the way you planned or the way you wanted.  They see you stumble, and they also see you pick yourself up and get back to work rebuilding.  They see STRENGTH and TENACITY.  

They see you heartbroken.  They see you disappointed.  They see the world fall apart around you.  They see you grieve for things that did not turn out the way you would have liked, and then they see you put your heart back together and push down your fear.  They see you put on your big girl pants, a smile, and like a boss, get shit done.  They see that you can be scared and not sure of the future, but you move ahead anyway.....That is BRAVERY. 

Oh, they see you alright when you snap at them during a PMS moment, and more importantly they hear you apologize to them and own your own behavior.  They see HUMILITY.  They see you taking RESPONSIBILITY for your actions.  They see you ask for forgiveness, so they learn how to FORGIVE and how to ask for FORGIVENESS, and they see you FORGIVE YOURSELF and they learn how to forgive themselves.

They see a self-sufficient, kick ass, beautiful woman. They see that you have faith in them that they too can be self-sufficient, kick ass beautiful humans, and they emulate you.  They see INDEPENDENCE in action.

The good that I saw that day brings me to my last and the trait the world definitely needs more of today. I saw a child reach out a hand to help someone who needed it, and I saw a child reach up and take that hand.  I saw these little people act with KINDNESS, and just as importantly know when to ACCEPT KINDNESS.  

They see the GRACE and COURAGE with which you go through life.

So, YES! take credit for how your children behave. You earned it. 

And when your kids are buttholes, which every single one of them will be at some point, remember, it is NOT your failure.  It's your teaching moment to remind them that they can do better.  They can be better, and then you will continue to lead by example.  Better an asshole moment at age 8 or 10 then a lifetime of it as an adult. 

Our kids see us because they are looking to us to show them how to deal with life, so don't hide or be ashamed of your failures because your children are going to fail too, and they are learning from you how to respond.  They look at you and they see you can fail and not be a failure, unless you fail to get back up, and I know you won't.  They know you won't, so rest assured they too will get back up when they need to just like you've shown them.

We are preparing our children for the road, because as much as we might try to prepare the road for our children, at some point we will no longer be on that road with them.  That day will come much more quickly than we realize.    

We are teaching them how to pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and keep going, and some days that is so hard.  So, for those days girls, I want you to know that as much as you may feel like you are drowning and failing, you are rocking it in all the ways that matter. 

One final thought, we are quick with our judgmental eyes when things go wrong (me too, I'm not throwing stones), so why not tag or send this note or a note of your own to a mom (or dad) who deserves to know they are doing a great job?  They just might need to hear that today.

The Tiger Rising: How a Book Helped Me Help My Children Deal with Death

I just recently finished reading "The Tiger Rising" by Kate DiCamillo.  It is a short read, about 121 pages.  I finished it in about an hour.  My daughter who is 7 years old, picked it up on the clearance shelf of our favorite discount bookstore.  She is going through a cat phase right now, and is attracted to all things cat, so the cover (which is beautiful) and the title was irresistible for her.  She brought it home and read it nonstop that afternoon.

What If You Could Ensure Your Child's Success in Life? You Can. HOW? Read on.....

Interested?  First what is a "Growth Mindset"?  Thanks to Dr Carol Dweck’s  research (Stanford University, professor of Psychology) there has been a shift happening in how leaning and intelligence is viewed.  Dweck describes Growth Mindset as a belief system that asserts that intelligence can be developed.  Parents with a growth mindset believe that their children can achieve at higher levels - with effort, perseverance, and resiliency (some describe this as “grit”).  Learners (e.g. your children) with a growth mindset believe that they can grow their intelligence with hard work and learn just about anything.  

Conversely, a Fixed mindset is a belief system in which one believes that intelligence is something you are born with - it’s genetic, it is innate, and although everyone can learn new things, you innate level of intelligence can not be changed. (Depressing, right?)

So, last week I talked about Redefining Failure for Kids .  A google + member, Toy Veteran, commented with the quote, “To succeed you only have to double your rate of failure.” - Thomas Watson, President of IBM from the 20’s to the 50’s.  I love this because it reminds us that our failures are often the most valuable and memorable teachers.  We can respond to our failures by either giving up, or we can use them to become better and stronger as we try, try again (this is the perseverance and grit stuff).  

One is a growth mindset, the other is a fixed mindset.  I know which I want for my kid (hint: it isn’t the "give up" one).

Redefining Failure

I’ve been reading a lot about Growth Mindset theory lately, and why it so important to success in both children and adults.  I’ll post more about that later, but it got me thinking about failure.  Being able to learn from failure, take what you learn and adapt it to a the ‘next time” or a new situation is a critical component of a growth mindset. 

The subject of failure alone is enough to write a plethora of books on, so I won’t tackle it here.  Rather just one aspect of it.  

The flip side of failure is success or the attainment of a goal.  The attainment of said goal means you are successful or you are not.  If you are not successful in reaching your goal, then you feel like you are not a success or as my 4th grader would say, “I feel like a loser.”  This is heartbreaking to hear from your child.  Their heartbreak is our heartbreak, and we also don’t want them to look like a loser, so we do our best to work it so they avoid feeling this way.  We prepare the road for our child instead of preparing our child for the road.  

5 Tips on How to Stop Arguing and Start Communicating with your Child/Tween/Teen

Tired of arguing with your child/tween/teen?  Want to turn an adversarial relationship with your child around and have an actual conversation?  Here are some things that you can do immediately to improve communication with your child.

1. Listen.

Now you are probably thinking that you do listen, and this is about the lamest advice ever, but I would wager that you really don't listen.  Most people don't really listen.  They listen to reply.

Next conversation with someone (anyone), observe yourself.  I'll bet you a mimosa, while the person

How to Change Your Child’s Behavior Without Yelling

I was talking to some other moms about how tired we get of telling our kids to do the same things every day.  It got me thinking about when I worked in change management in my former company, and what makes change management successful in an organization.  Organizations are made up of people right? And children are little people, so it stands to reason that the same principles should work on them.  

One theory I think would work here is Appreciative Inquiry (AI).  AI was introduced by David Cooperrider and his associates in the mid-eighties.  The appreciative assumes that in every organization (or person) there is something that works. The inquiry part is asking the question of “How” or “What” makes it work in that circumstance or instance? 

Why I Don't Tell My Daughter She's Pretty

My daughter is pretty. She has hair the color of sun, and her eyes are as blue as the sea. And you know what? I try not to ever tell her that she's pretty because….Who cares??!! She won some sort of cuteness lottery. Her cuteness isn't something she worked for, strived for, gave blood sweat and tears for, so why be proud of something that is essentially just luck, and secondly could be lost in a moment.  

Summer Reading: Books that both Boys & Girls Will Love (ages 6-10)

Summer Reading Books that both Boys and Girls Will Love

 (ages 6-10)  

We like to read together every night, so finding books that appeal to both of their interests given their age, gender, and well, just being different people, has been challenging.  One child is a girl, one is a boy, and there are two years separating them.  One is logical and likes the adventure or humor.  The other is more feeling and relationship centered.  She likes adventure, but not over the dynamic of the relationships.  So to find books they both stay interested, and doesn't make me want to stab myself in the eye with a fork as I read it to them has been challenging.  I mean I love some Magic Treehouse but I was so done by the third book.  Not only did we all enjoy these books, but I found a lot of them on the clearance shelves of my local Half Price Book Store, so probably a safe bet you can find them at your used book store or definitely at your library.  

Here is a list that they makes us all happy in no particular order:

When Did We Become Alright with Referring to Kids as A**holes?

I recently came across an article on ScaryMommy with this title: Not Being an A**hole Isn’t Good Enough.  We Need to Take It a Step Further, Folks. Now before this, it never occurred to me to think of a toddler or an small child as an asshole before. Adults, yes, teenagers, uh-huh at times, but they go through moments of hormone induced insanity, so occasionally understandable.

The first line in said articles says that “Don’t Raise Assholes” is the parenting philosophy du jour. I had no idea. (Here is a link to the article if you are curious. It’s a short read and rather good IMO. http://www.scarymommy.com/not-being-asshole-isnt-good-enough/)

Curious, I googled Kids and Assholes. Look at this, 786,000 (I guess 786,001 if this one makes it on there 😉). 

So it seems that this really is a thing. There are articles blaming parents for kids behavior. There are articles with parents proudly calling their kids assholes. There are articles telling you not to raise an asshole, and apparently ones telling you that not raising an asshole simply isn't enough.